There is a need for feminine virtues in the world, such as compassion, intuition and empathy. That is the message of this article, where Assagioli comments on the special contributions women can make to the family and society.
By Roberto Assagioli * ) ; Translation Britt Jakielski
This article contains certain old-fashioned considerations that Roberto Assagioli himself distances himself from in a later interview which can be found here: A higher perspective on the man-woman issue. Therefore, they should be read in their context.
I. Introduction
Before we get into the specific topic, let’s touch on it in general terms for the sake of those who are not yet familiar with psychosynthesis.
Why is psychosynthesis necessary? Because we all contain different and contradictory elements that alternate and collide. They often assume such a strength that it almost has the character of independent personalities or sub-personalities that fight for the upper hand within us. This results in a series of contradictions, conflicts, struggles and upheavals that expose us to serious nervous difficulties and that often give the person a painful and growing feeling of dissatisfaction, instability and disharmony.
But this “human condition” is by no means final or inevitable; we can influence and remedy it if we are willing to examine ourselves deeply and if we employ the methods necessary to unite the separate and contradictory elements and transform them into a rich and harmonious synthesis.
Synthesis is an organizing and unifying principle that is present in all the kingdoms of nature. We see it manifested in inorganic matter in the form of chemical compounds. It operates in a more obvious and complicated way in organic life as the self-regulating force of the living organism, and as the delicate and impressive balance between the breakdown and build-up of tissue.
In psychological life, the principle of synthesis finds application in various ways: by uniting vital contradictory interests and activities in both the outer and inner worlds of man (the extroverted and introverted); through a synthesis of thoughts and feelings and other psychological elements around a synthesis-creating center in the psychosynthesis of the personality.
Next, there is the problem of the spiritual psychosynthesis that takes place between the personality and the Self or soul, which is the highest goal and aspiration of all who are not satisfied with purely material values.
Another aspect of synthesis is that which unites a human being with other human beings in countless ways. First of all, there is the psychosynthesis of the couple, the eternal problem of the relationship between the sexes, which we will later elaborate on in more detail. Then there is the synthesis within the family group, within social groups, national groups, and finally – as the final ideal – the psychosynthesis of humanity.
II. Psychological differences between men and women
The first question we will consider in this context is the functions and duties that woman must first and foremost relieve, the special types of psychosynthesis that she can make use of in accordance with her psychological constitution, and the many problems that arise in the woman’s own psyche or in her relationship with man. Situations and problems of this nature arise in every woman’s life, and it is necessary for her to face them in a way that is as satisfactory as possible to herself and to the people around her.
The most natural thing for a woman, and her normal role, is to be her husband’s companion, his wife. An Italian writer, Lucio d’Ambra, wrote two novels, The Occupation of the Husband and The Profession of the Wife . In these different titles he alludes to an important psychological truth, namely that while the man’s principal functions are his activities outside the family , which are also of a social nature, the woman’s principal activity, her “job”, is generally to be in and with the family. To use a less modern but more friendly and appropriate expression: The woman is, or should be, the “queen of the home”.
Unfortunately, the kingdom of the home is often plagued by silent or noisy disharmony and conflict, which at times shakes its foundations and can even cause it to disintegrate. When we seek the causes of these disharmony, we find that there are mainly two, namely selfishness and lack of understanding. The corresponding remedies can therefore be reduced, broadly speaking, to two:
The first is kindness and sacrifice. These two qualities are difficult to develop, but they are high qualities that everyone should cultivate, as the fruits of them are very rewarding.
The second means consists in intelligent, intuitive, benevolent psychological and spiritual understanding. This understanding is not easy to obtain, as the constitution of man and woman is very different; much more so than we can imagine. One might almost say that they belong to two different races. It seems appropriate, therefore, to pause and examine for a moment the features of the psychology of man and woman. To be honest, it may at times seem unkind to both sexes.
Typically – although not always – there is a polarity of psychological functions between man and woman. The man tends to excel in certain important actions, while the woman manifests herself in other areas. For example, the man has an active, influential and creative function in relation to the physical world, while the woman as a wife is mainly concerned with maintaining and taking care of the interests and needs of the family. On the other hand, when we talk about the world of emotions and imagination, it is usually the woman who is the more highly developed, positive and productive of the two. In this area, the man tends to be relatively more naive and easily confused. So there is an obvious reversal of roles that both parties must acknowledge and therefore cooperate on in order to create an effective collaboration.
There is a similar, reversed polarity between man and woman in the intellectual realm. Man tends to be more rational, logical, and active. He is consciously oriented toward facts, their relationships, and their significance. There, woman’s mental functions are less developed, but are balanced by her sovereignty in another realm, the intuitive. It is this quality through which she achieves an irrational and unconscious understanding that is as valuable as man’s thoughtful rationality.
These different polarities constitute some important qualitative differences between men and women. These differences can explain many psychological conflicts and confusions.
When it comes to men in general, men generally develop qualities such as aggressiveness, mental activity and efficiency. He expresses these to a marked degree, whereas feminine qualities such as sensitivity, feeling, imagination and intuition remain undeveloped and may disappear altogether. Because these latter functions do not keep pace with the rest of the man’s growth, it often happens that men generally remain relatively primitive and sometimes even barbaric. His imagination, which is generally pushed back into the unconscious, becomes unbalanced when it is not allowed to surface, and thus often expresses itself in fantasies of which he is ashamed. His emotional nature tends to remain primitive, and he has neither finesse nor flexibility. He can change from outbursts of almost raw passion to hardness and insensitivity and vice versa, or he can change from insensitivity to an almost childish weakness and sentimentality. His intuition is generally very rudimentary and almost non-existent. He strives to solve all problems, whether practical or abstract, through mental processes alone, and because he does not take into account the more subtle things that cannot be measured and weighed, he often makes mistakes. In the various situations of his life, his quickly formulated plans and strategies often fall short, and instead of dealing with the faults and imperfections that he must seek in himself, he directs the blame for these faults at other people and events.
The psychological processes of the majority of women are very much the opposite. The opinion of the average woman is usually nothing more than prejudice and superstition, to which she stubbornly clings even when confronted with actual evidence to the contrary. Of course, her opinions are sometimes correct, especially when based on good intuition, but all too often they are the erroneous expression of personal feelings, of various fantasies, or of blindly accepted traditions. It is typical of many women (especially those who do not work—or hold positions of leadership—in public life) that they do not relate to the true nature of the problems they face. Their mental activity consists in examining things in a non-analytical, diffuse, and non-conclusive manner, with arguments that are often of a personal rather than objective nature.
It should therefore be obvious that the one-sided psychological development of the average man or woman creates deficiencies which result in serious problems. Most men and women are inherently imperfect and almost psychologically dull beings. They find the solution to their problems only through mutual integration, i.e. by combining their qualities and thereby becoming a whole person together.
The man, because his feminine side is so poorly developed, cannot understand and appreciate the woman. He feels attracted to her, sometimes irresistibly; he is vaguely aware that she has the traits he lacks, but he does not know how to approach her psychologically. She seems strange to him, difficult to understand, and chameleon-like. The sharpness and changeability of her sensitivity and the richness and flexibility of her imagination confuse him and disorient him; her intuition impresses him, but he cannot understand its nature and background; it embarrasses him, and he is generally skeptical of it.
The woman, on the other hand, is unable to let go of her subjectivity and personal approach to things, and she lacks understanding of the masculine activities and qualities, and often does not even try to understand them. She loves the man, but in a personal, possessive, and jealous way. But even though she loves him, she is unable to understand or appreciate his world, his interests, or his ideals. She is inclined to regard him as a savage who holds a butterfly in his barked fist, who ruthlessly destroys fragrant, multi-colored flowers; as a naughty boy who cannot help fighting with others; as one who foolishly risks his life in his beloved pursuits; who plays with his intricate machines, and who scorns those who love him in his pursuit of ancient ruins or rare manuscripts, or in constructing intricate and useless theories and systems.
I have deliberately exaggerated my description of extreme cases in order to make my message more clearly understood. Fortunately, things are generally not nearly so glaring. Mutual understanding is growing, and modern life gives us instructive experiences and promotes adaptation. The painful experiences that people encounter force them to think, and this happens both in social relationships and in marriage. In this way much has already been achieved, but much more can be done. Decisive steps are needed in relation to our own psychosynthesis, our inner union. We should make it clear to ourselves that the qualities we see in the opposite sex are external manifestations, projections, so to speak, of some of the qualities that we ourselves also possess, but which have remained latent, undeveloped, and below the threshold of consciousness.
In his relationship with, understanding and appreciation of the woman, the man can develop his own latent and as yet undeveloped feminine qualities, and the woman can do the same with her masculine qualities. In this way, both parties become psychologically whole people. Of course, both parties should always retain the predominant psychological qualities associated with the sex to which they belong, but a sufficient number of the traits belonging to the opposite sex can and should be developed to achieve the necessary balance and integration. In building the “psychological bridge” between the two sexes, we should reach a mutual understanding and appropriate appreciation of each other. We can thereby eliminate painful misunderstandings and artificial and unnecessary differences and instead create a good and fruitful collaboration – the psychosynthesis of man and woman, which is a true miracle of love.
III. The maternal functions of women
Let us now consider another female function that is equally important and perhaps even more fundamental than that of being a wife, namely the maternal function. These two functions complement each other in the whole woman, and every woman should work to achieve this psychosynthesis within herself. Some women are more inclined to assume the role of companion to their husband, while others are absorbed in the role of mother.
But apart from these basic tendencies towards these different vocations, life circumstances will often lead a woman to, or even force her to, focus her interests and activities in one or the other of these two areas. The woman who is married but has no children has a greater opportunity to dedicate herself to a spiritual communion, to intellectual contact and practical cooperation with her husband. She can even deepen the relationship by also assuming a maternal function towards her husband. And this protective, kind and giving behavior can give their marriage a new meaning, enriching the union of these two souls and personalities and making it more harmonious.
On the other hand, the woman who has lost her husband, or who for one reason or another cannot live in a harmonious relationship with him, may make motherhood her focus. She will then seek the reason and meaning of – and the value of – her life in this role.
Motherhood, considered in its broadest and deepest sense, was a cosmic principle before it became a human function. The matter, the substance that received the creative impulse of the Spirit and then elaborated and expressed it in a myriad of beings, is the Universal Mother. It – or she – makes the existence of the manifested universe possible. On our planet this Universal Motherhood is called Nature, the earthly mother who creates and nourishes all beings. This has been understood and felt on a deeper level by all people from the earliest times. In ancient Egypt the worship of Isis, and in Greece of Demeter and Cybele, was an expression of this belief. In Christianity we have the worship of Mother Mary, the Virgin Mother of the Savior, who stands with the Son in his redemptive mission.
If, from a study of these expressions of worship and from direct observation of motherhood, we seek to define its basic characteristics, we find that they consist of fertility, creativity, the giving of life, and generous love, imbued with sacrifice, devotion, and protectiveness. These functions are not exclusively human; they are also expressed in the animal kingdom. As we know, the hen that has just hatched a brood of chicks will abstain from food if necessary so that her offspring may be fed. But there are even more dramatic examples. Among insects, the silkworm will sacrifice herself for her offspring and die after this self-denial. Some aphids position themselves before dying in such a way that their dead bodies protect their offspring from harsh weather. In quadrupeds, mothers often protect their offspring to such an extent that it costs them their own lives.
Among primitive women, motherhood is the highest expression of life. Some savage tribes believe that a woman only acquires a soul when she becomes a mother. As a mother, she attains a degree of dignity that she did not have when she was only a wife. In all civilizations, the moral function of the mother is great. In addition to the responsibility of physical care, the mother has the duty to teach her children emotions and imagination and to instill in them a basic morality and religious faith. Other specific maternal functions are to awaken the sense of beauty and to train the child in selflessness, compassion and devotion.
If I seem to emphasize these well-known aspects of female behavior, it is because I find it necessary to create a counterbalance to the negative view of motherhood. The error, which is unfortunately very common in the exercise of female functions, may be called materialistic. The basic physical care that children receive in their first years of life is necessary and fundamental. But physical care is not the only care necessary, and when it takes precedence over other aspects of maternal care, a materialistic limitation of the maternal function arises, which can be very harmful. If we compare the care that many mothers give to their children’s bodies, the preparation of their children for later careers and external success in life, with the care they give to their children’s souls, and with the degree of intellectual and spiritual communion they have with their children, material values weigh by far the most. Therefore, the children are well taken care of; they are well-protected and well-tracked in relation to professional studies, but they lack sensitivity to spiritual realities and receptivity to moral values.
Another mistake is to express an overwhelming maternal love. It can be expressed with the words “attachment,” “identification,” and “possessiveness.” This mistake is certainly more human and forgivable, but it can be just as harmful as the first. It is understandable that the more we give of ourselves in our relationship with another person, and the more sacrifices we make in our relationship with that person, the more we become attached to them, identify with them, and bind ourselves to them. But sooner or later, there comes a time in the lives of children when liberation from the mother is necessary. There comes a time when the son or daughter must gain freedom and independence in order to live his or her own life. It is so natural that animals instinctively express it. In animals, where the many human complications are absent, separation occurs in an uncomplicated way when the time is right. A typical example is seen in birds, who push their young out of the nest so that they learn to use their wings. (This is actually a term that has a very symbolic meaning.) Among primitive peoples, a similar event takes place. In their well-organized societies, there are rituals associated with initiation and puberty. The time of separation from the mother, which coincides with the time of puberty, is recognized as a decisive moment in the life of the young person. It is the time when the young people truly become aware of themselves as responsible individuals.
But often the “civilized” mother has neither the understanding nor the wisdom to make this sublime and most subtle of all sacrifices; the one that costs her the most, and which paradoxically can be called “the sacrifice of past sacrifices.” Sacrificing one’s own attachment to one’s children and being able to “withdraw” is very difficult, since it goes directly against what one has wanted up to now. Yet life is full of these changes and transitions, where what was good and right at a given time now becomes superfluous, inappropriate or harmful in a relationship with another person. Therefore, the mother often cannot see it and cannot make this sacrifice. She seeks in every way to bind her children to herself and neither sees nor encourages these shortcomings. The worst thing about it is that she believes – or wants to deceive herself and others into believing – that it is for the sake of her children.
Children who accept this comfortable state of protection, which is a kind of protection against the blows of life, without rebelling and sometimes with a resigned attitude, meet life quite unprepared for its battles and traps. Dangers arise from the lack of psychological and spiritual preparation in relation to their health and their future position in society and in their relations with their fellow men. They often remain weak, timid and incompetent. But in many other cases the opposite happens. When a child has a more manly and strong temperament, the child will seek to escape the tyranny of the family. The ties to the mother, which had lasted an unnaturally long time, are now violently broken, and the rebel is accused of ingratitude and lack of love. The mother does not understand the child, and painful quarrels arise. A chasm is dug between the mother and the child, and it is the mother who suffers most from it. She thus loses both her relationship with her child and his recognition of the sacrifices she has made, because she pressures the child to assert his independence. But because of her urge to overprotect the child, she has prevented the child from developing his own judgment, and because, despite his rebelliousness, he is still quite dependent on her, he is particularly vulnerable to falling under wrong or harmful influences.
This crisis in a woman’s life also explains something we joke about, but which is both a cause of harm and great suffering: the “mother-in-law problem.” The crisis of a woman whose daughter gets married is often dangerous. Whereas a grown son usually gradually frees himself from his mother, a daughter’s marriage sometimes causes an abrupt and painful separation. Up until she gets married, a daughter may be very closely attached to her mother. But suddenly a stranger comes in and breaks their bond. It is a dangerous time for the mother. If she cannot go through the process with wisdom and courage, she risks becoming a “mother-in-law” in the pejorative sense of the word. She feels hostility and is jealous of the man who seems to have robbed her of her daughter and ally. Naturally, her unjust reaction provokes resentment in the son-in-law, and sometimes also in the daughter. The result is the well-known difficulties and conflicts.
In recent times this situation has become less frequent because girls, especially in larger cities, are increasingly imitating the independence of boys and thus emancipating themselves from their mothers at an earlier age. But this makes it all the more necessary for the mother to keep up with her daughter psychologically. Maintaining a meaningful relationship with a young person in a state of rapid development is a real effort for the mother in terms of understanding her child’s situation.
There is a fundamental preventive measure for such problems: we must not allow ourselves to be absorbed solely by one human function, whatever it may be, even the finest and most esteemed. In order to be a mother in the best and most effective way, a woman must not fall into the trap of being only a mother. Instead, she must be a human being who is also a mother, and who carries out the various roles of a mother with all the love that this demands of her. But – and I repeat – she must not only be a mother. She must realize that within her (and I would even say above the role of mother) lives a human soul that is self-conscious, that also has other interests and pursuits, and that is involved in social affairs and the life of the spirit. This does not make the woman any less of a mother, but it makes her a better mother.
First of all, the woman who is interested in social problems and who participates in the life around her, in society and in the affairs of the country, is better able to understand the world in which her children grow up. If, while the children are small, she devotes some of her attention to keeping up to date with current affairs, reading important books and dealing with problems that extend beyond her small family sphere, when her children are young people, she will be able to follow and understand them and be their friend and ally. Therefore, in the interests of motherhood, it is important for her not only to be a mother. When the time of separation comes, she will have other human and spiritual interests on which to devote her energy and time.
I would like to illustrate this point with the example of an American woman who was faced with the necessity of living with her married daughter and her son-in-law. To avoid becoming the typical mother-in-law at the age of 50, she enrolled in university to get a degree. As she used to say, “You see, when I came home for dinner in the evening, I had other and better things to do than the quarrels between my daughter and son-in-law. I thought of Plato and the Egyptians.”
In fact, when a woman has larger and richer interests, she can relate to the small, trivial family disputes, conflicts and adjustment problems of her daughter’s life with much greater serenity. Because of this objectivity, instead of being an obstacle and a burden, she can be a real help to her daughter. The same American woman used to say about her son-in-law, who had an unpleasant personality and who used to get angry at everything: “He deserves our sympathy; we can ignore the fact that he is unpleasant, but he cannot escape from himself.”
This is, of course, an exceptional case. It is difficult at the age of 50 to switch from domestic chores to being a student from one moment to the next. One should therefore gradually prepare for this transition by combining broader intellectual, social and spiritual interests with the role of mother. Whereas in the early years of her marriage the woman often had to sacrifice her other interests to some extent in favor of domestic chores, she can now satisfy her delayed thirst for cultural and spiritual activities. This will make her new path in life much easier.
IV. Psychological and maternal roles
a. Education
This brings us to a consideration of women who are not mothers. These women are in no way cut off from the maternal role. On the contrary, they can manifest its broader and more socially useful aspects; they can express spiritual motherhood. This can be done in many ways, according to different abilities and circumstances. One of the first and more important is in the field of education. The teacher of the small classes must often take the place of mothers who do not know how, or who are unable, to educate their children in a responsible manner. She should therefore always consider her role as partly maternal. In doing so she puts her relationship with her students in the right human light, and she avoids many of the misunderstandings so common in the field of education. She effectively supplements the barren and over-intellectualized aspects of the educational function with a humanizing quality. Through her influence on her students she can indirectly exercise a valuable function by spreading light and harmony among them and indirectly among the parents.
The high school teacher also has a partly maternal role. It is more difficult, more demanding and requires a greater balance than that of the teacher of the small classes, just as it is more difficult and more complicated for a mother to guide her older children. The teacher must be able to guide both morally and intellectually the young people whose personalities are in rapid development, in the most critical phase of their development. She must therefore be mature, knowledgeable and disciplined. She needs much inner preparation, psychological insight, tact and discretion. In return she will achieve a result and a satisfaction that is deep and very rewarding. She should really be able to awaken and make young people see themselves, and to save confused and misguided young people from misunderstandings and mistakes. But to do this effectively, the teacher must be more like an understanding and loving mother than a formal instructor. In other words, she must demand the necessary mental work from her students and not succumb to a sterile intellectualism, nor should she seek to impart a cold and often useless mass of information to her students. Instead, she should treat students as individual people by gaining their trust and giving them a parental interest and support.
b. Nursing
The maternal vocation of woman, the feminine need to devote herself to the protection and care of others, finds one of its finest expressions in the care of the sick and the suffering. The nursing profession, provided it springs from humanitarian and compassionate motives and feelings, can become a mission in the true sense of the word, as in the case of Florence Nightingale, the pioneer of the great modern nursing movement.
c. Social Work
Another profession in which women can do very good work and exercise a motherly role in the work is the social field. In talking with some of these women who are employed in European industry, I have been impressed by how much they can do for the families of the workers in all their social difficulties, in their relations with the authorities, in health matters, etc. Through this kind of work many women can bring spiritual light and moral instruction to thousands of working families. In the United States there are many forms of social work, all of which are equally important for the promotion of health, both physical and psychological and spiritual. To advocate for the needs of the poor, those at the lowest rungs of society, the sick and the emotionally disturbed is a calling of high spiritual value. It is especially suited to the expression of the feminine qualities.
Although we have talked about specific roles so far, all of these roles – or at least some of them – can be developed and used by the woman regardless of her situation, for example an unmarried career woman through her many contacts and relationships with her fellow human beings.
V. The woman as a source of inspiration
There is one more feminine function that deserves mention. It is one of the finest and highest callings of woman to inspire others. In this spiritual function, woman uses her highest feminine power, intuition. The woman whose intuition is awakened, and who has neither personal emotional problems nor is too involved in intellectual work, can rise to the superconscious, luminous sphere, where she is able to sense the lasting values and essential truths. Sometimes she is even able to predict the future by sensing trends that are about to manifest themselves in the visible world.
In ancient civilizations, these sublime feminine qualities were recognized and valued, and they were exploited. They were used by the Druid priestesses and the Sibyls. Wise men with authority, such as Numa Pompilius, did not hesitate to make use of their wisdom. Later, women were muses for poets and artists. Edouard Schuré’s books, Femmes Inspiratrices et Poètes Annonciateurs and Prophètes de la Renaissance are a fine psychological study of the relationship between women and poets. Goethe certainly also referred to this sublime feminine aspect when he published Faust with the words “Alles Vergängliches ist nur ein sin Gleichnis. Das Ewig-Weibliche zieht uns hinan” (Everything that is ephemeral is just a symbol. The eternal feminine shows us the way forward).
In the world as it is today, we either ignore this spiritual, feminine function or seek to exploit the lower aspects of woman’s psychic sensitivity out of curiosity or self-interest. It is therefore hoped that woman – either through a scientific study of parapsychological abilities or through spiritual awakening (of which there are clear signs, even in the midst of the prevailing materialism of the world today) – will regain awareness of her higher psychospiritual gifts, and that man will recognize them and once again make use of them for the benefit of their mutual spiritual growth.
VI. Conclusion
The woman can therefore make good use of her femininity in all areas of human life. This is especially necessary in our time, when civilization is based too much on the masculine qualities. There is much good to be said about the masculine aspect; it is dynamic, constructive and progressive. We must acknowledge these good qualities, but also acknowledge its exaggerations and shortcomings. The tendency to assert oneself, the thirst for power and domination, and the violence of the combative energies create hardness and cruelty, wars and destruction. Conversely, the special function of the woman is to preserve. She defends life, sustains it and passes it on.
We therefore need in society an appropriate balance between the adventurous and creative power of man and the protective, compassionate protective instinct of woman. Woman has an important social function to perform, and she performs it best without engaging in feminism. To be a feminist would rather be to deny her true nature and make herself a poor imitation of man. It is true that woman should develop some of the better masculine qualities to a certain extent in order to enrich and complete her personality, but she can do this while remaining fundamentally feminine in the highest sense of the word. In addition to being a good wife and mother, she can gradually develop away from the limited domestic sphere and bring her “spiritual motherhood” into society. In this way she can impart to her fellow human beings nourishing love, compassionate tenderness, and a healing protective instinct.
*) The author would like to express his grateful acknowledgment to Dr. Frank Haronian for his helpful suggestions and generous cooperation prior to the publication of this article.
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